My first bit of advice on raising teenagers

Brooke recently decided that she wanted to break up with her boyfriend. This was her first boyfriend and while he lived in Spain and it clearly was never going anywhere due to the long distance issue and her young age, it was "real" for both of them. They met while she was in Spain in February and chatted on Facebook religiously until he came here on his exchange in April. They spent two fun filled weeks together in America and off he went...back to Spain. They continued the Facebook thing, but, really, that was not going to satisfy either one of them for long. They are young and that is just not what they needed or wanted in a relationship. Brooke's feelings for him started to fade. He continued to hang onto the hope that she would come to Barcelona to visit in the summer (I guess his parents nixed another trip to America for him), but that just wasn't going to happen. She is 16 and I don't know a thing about this boy or his family.


Anyway, when she told me she wanted to break up I felt strangely sad. This was her first "love" and it was over. I also felt sad for him. I hated the idea that he would be heartbroken...and by my daughter, no less.


And then started the mistakes -- mine. There were so many things I wanted to say. Don't hurt his feelings. There is no need to tell him the whole truth. Let him down easy. Make sure he knows that you really did care for him. Etc.

So I started saying them. Every time I thought of a little "pearl of wisdom," I shared. Every time she walked into a room I said, "Don't forget to..." Every time she got on the computer I said, "Are you chatting with Otmar? Please be kind." I was driving her crazy! And driving myself crazy as well. But these things I had to say...they were so important. I am trying to raise her to be compassionate and kind. If I don't teach her, who will?

She really started losing her patience. She said to me one day "Mom, I'm not a mean person."

And then it hit me. I had handled this all wrong. She wasn't even listening any more.

So, here is my advice (actually it was advice to me from my mom, but I am sharing): When you have some important life lesson for your teen (or even younger children) think about what you want to say, how you want to say it and when you want to say it (sometimes kids are more receptive to listening than others)...and say it...once...and let it go. Don't bring it up again. Hopefully the ground work has been laid and their moral compass already has them pointing in the right direction and all you need to do is fine tune.

I eventually wrote it all down on a piece of paper and gave it to her. I promised never to bring it up again. And I didn't.

She broke up with the boyfriend and, from what I am told, he understood and the decision was seemingly mutual. All is well that ends well.

Just hoping I can follow this advice and do better next time!