Just need to vent

Dear Jackass (not his real name),

Please tell me why, after two weeks of constant texting and telling her how much you like her and how cute and pretty she is and you two have "made it official" by changing your facebook statuses to "In a relationship", you have made no effort to actually SEE my daughter. Did you just want to tell 800+ of your closest friends that you have a girlfriend? Oh, and I especially like the fact that you included pictures of her when you "announced" your relationship. Yes, she is pretty, isn't she? And probably a bit out of your league. So, I don't blame you for wanting everyone to see what she looks like. Do you want to be sure that you have something to do over the summer when everyone else is busy or is going off to college? Or do you just have no clue what to do with a girlfriend? I know she is your first girlfriend...can't say I'm surprised, but here's a newsflash...texting 24-7 is not a relationship!

OK. I realize you were grounded (doesn't endear you to me...although, in all fairness I don't know the reason...how would I?...I haven't seen you and my daughter either didn't ask, doesn't understand, or isn't sharing). But you were ungrounded on Friday. At least it would appear that you had some freedom this weekend. You went out with your friends on Friday and to the movies with friends after work on Saturday. And, yes, you have a job. But have you ever heard of making a date? Maybe you could even ask for a night off. And, really, maybe just making an effort to meet after school would be a good start. Drive her home or to color guard (the fact that you drive and have a car is another negative, but I'm desperate) . If you like her as much as you said you did, any amount of time should be great.

And next weekend is prom. And you already had a date before this "relationship" "blossomed" (who I made the mistake of checking out on facebook and the fact that every status update drops the F-bomb and she has her face pierced in multiple places and 7 tattoos and a size DDDD bra is less than impressive). I understand. But really? A little time for your girlfriend before you head off to prom and Wildwood with this other young lady (cough, cough) is definitely in order.

I'm not judging. Before this whole relationship thing started I really thought you were a nice guy. But you better figure this all out and learn the ins and outs of having a girlfriend pretty darn fast or this may just be the shortest relationship you'll ever have. And as proud as you were to announce the relationship to your facebook friends, it will be pretty embarrassing when you have to change your relationship status back to "Single" before many of said "friends" have even noticed.

We have not gotten off on the right foot. I'm pretty easy to please. Just give her the time and attention she deserves...or you don't deserve her.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Ruoff

My first bit of advice on raising teenagers

Brooke recently decided that she wanted to break up with her boyfriend. This was her first boyfriend and while he lived in Spain and it clearly was never going anywhere due to the long distance issue and her young age, it was "real" for both of them. They met while she was in Spain in February and chatted on Facebook religiously until he came here on his exchange in April. They spent two fun filled weeks together in America and off he went...back to Spain. They continued the Facebook thing, but, really, that was not going to satisfy either one of them for long. They are young and that is just not what they needed or wanted in a relationship. Brooke's feelings for him started to fade. He continued to hang onto the hope that she would come to Barcelona to visit in the summer (I guess his parents nixed another trip to America for him), but that just wasn't going to happen. She is 16 and I don't know a thing about this boy or his family.


Anyway, when she told me she wanted to break up I felt strangely sad. This was her first "love" and it was over. I also felt sad for him. I hated the idea that he would be heartbroken...and by my daughter, no less.


And then started the mistakes -- mine. There were so many things I wanted to say. Don't hurt his feelings. There is no need to tell him the whole truth. Let him down easy. Make sure he knows that you really did care for him. Etc.

So I started saying them. Every time I thought of a little "pearl of wisdom," I shared. Every time she walked into a room I said, "Don't forget to..." Every time she got on the computer I said, "Are you chatting with Otmar? Please be kind." I was driving her crazy! And driving myself crazy as well. But these things I had to say...they were so important. I am trying to raise her to be compassionate and kind. If I don't teach her, who will?

She really started losing her patience. She said to me one day "Mom, I'm not a mean person."

And then it hit me. I had handled this all wrong. She wasn't even listening any more.

So, here is my advice (actually it was advice to me from my mom, but I am sharing): When you have some important life lesson for your teen (or even younger children) think about what you want to say, how you want to say it and when you want to say it (sometimes kids are more receptive to listening than others)...and say it...once...and let it go. Don't bring it up again. Hopefully the ground work has been laid and their moral compass already has them pointing in the right direction and all you need to do is fine tune.

I eventually wrote it all down on a piece of paper and gave it to her. I promised never to bring it up again. And I didn't.

She broke up with the boyfriend and, from what I am told, he understood and the decision was seemingly mutual. All is well that ends well.

Just hoping I can follow this advice and do better next time!

Her hair may have gotten a bit darker, but she's still blonde!

Driving home from QuickChek this afternoon, Brooke saw a sign that reads "Deaf Child Area".

Her question to me: "Are there certain neighborhoods where people with deaf children live?"

Bwahhh ha ha ha!!!!

She thought that the sign was there BEFORE the deaf child moved in!

No, dear. When a family moves in with a deaf or hearing impaired child, they put the sign up.

Anyone want to bet on whether or not she knows why a sign is necessary???? I guarantee she hasn't a clue.

I'll go ask her....

Suprise!!! She does know why a sign is necessary! Yeah! There is hope!

Maybe I have his attention

At 6 1/2 Daniel continues to be the pickiest eater on the planet. He even knows it himself. He had a friend over last week. They were getting a snack and he asked his friend "Are you allergic to anything?" (Very sweet...his best buddy is allergic to nuts, so he is sensitive to the allergy thing). His friend said "No, are you?" Daniel responded with, "No, I'm just very picky."


Anyway, while sitting at Great Clips last week with Daniel getting a haircut, I was looking at a magazine that had an article on how to handle stubborn children. It addressed the picky eater. The suggestion was to give the child whatever you have prepared for dinner. If he/she does not want to eat it than they can get their own dinner...something easy that they can get themselves.

So, Sunday night I told Daniel that from now on if he doesn't want what I made he can get his own dinner. The conversation proceeded as follows:


Me: Daniel, we are having chicken and baked potatoes for dinner. Are you going to eat that?

Daniel: No.


Me: Than you are on your own.


Fast forward to dinner time. Daniel sits down at the table and there is nothing at his spot.


Daniel: Where is my dinner?


Me: I told you that you have to get it yourself. You can have dry cereal, yogurt or a cheese stick.


Daniel (in the kitchen): I'll have Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Can you get me a bowl?


Me: No, you have to get it yourself. The dishes in the dishwasher are clean.


Well, Daniel managed to get a bowl, pour himself his cereal and join us for dinner. He later heard me tell Eric about the new plan and where I heard about it. He said "Where is that magazine?" I told him I read it at the haircut place. To which he responded, "If that magazine ever comes in this house I'm going to tear it up and throw it away!"

So at least I've managed to annoy him!

Was I mad at her...or at myself??

Either way, I was temporarily insane!

We had an exchange student from Barcelona, Spain stay with us for two weeks in April. Yes, April. April 2-16 to be exact. The end of tax season when everything is a crisis and has a deadline of yesterday. (I point this out in order to defend my insanity). Anyway, the day that Anna left we took some pictures. Some were timer shots of all six of us with Anna that were taken with Brooke's camera.

For two weeks I told Brooke to upload them to Facebook and share them with me and with Anna. These were the only pictures taken that had all of us. As usual, I got "I know, Mom." "I will, Mom." "I'll do it, Mom." -- all with attitude and sometime including eye rolling.

Fast forward to the Sunday before Brooke leaves for Disney World with her high school band. I said, "You need to upload those pictures BEFORE you leave for Disney." Her response was a predictable "I will, Mom."

So, Wednesday morning I drove her to the high school with her luggage at 6am. The buses were leaving at 11, but they needed to get their luggage to school early so that it could be checked. At about 7am it occured to me that I did not see those pictures post to my Facebook wall so I texted her to ask her if she had uploaded them. The answer was predictably "No."

I lost it. I texted her back that I would meet her in the parking lot when she was boarding the bus and that I would take her memory card and give her a blank one to bring to Disney. Well, this started World War III. She wanted no part of me coming up to the school and of being seen walking over to my car in front of her friends. The arguments started: I won't lose it, I'll be careful, I'll do it as soon as I get home, I will leave the card in my suitcase, Nothing will happen...

In reality, the chance of her camera getting lost or stolen or falling in the water and the pictures being lost forever was admittedly slim. But, dammit, I knew that if any of those things happened I was going to beat her senseless! And it was more than just the memory card. Wrapped up in this argument were all the things that had been annoying me about her...she didn't do what I asked, she didn't do what she said she would do, and, most importantly, she was so wrapped up in herself and what mattered to her that she did not understand that these pictures were important to more people than just her and she had a responsibility for safeguarding them.

In addition, I think I was completely annoyed with myself. The night before she asked me to take her to Target to get coloring books of all things, AND I DID IT!!!!! I didn't ask, "Did you do what I asked you to do?" Nope. I just took my 16 year old to buy Princess coloring books and a 64 pack of crayons (which she said she had NEVER had a 64 pack of crayons -- poor deprived child that she was). Because, like any mom, I want her to be happy and have her every hearts desire. GAG!!!!

But now! Now I was pissed! So, I drove up to the high school, parked in the parking lot with the coach buses, and sent her a text that said "Stop arguing with me. I am already here. Bring me the memory card!". I think I even said that I would follow the buses onto Route 287 before I would let her take that memory card to Florida. She finally surrendered and brought me the memory card. With a chill in the air, we swapped and she was on her way.

I texted a friend (also a parent of a teen girl) "The eagle has landed. I have the memory card. A small victory for our team!" And she responded, "Go team!!!".

It's these small battles in the world of parenting that seem so important at the time and are really so minor. But in reality, if we don't win the small ones, we don't have a prayer when it comes to the big ones.