My first bit of advice on raising teenagers

Brooke recently decided that she wanted to break up with her boyfriend. This was her first boyfriend and while he lived in Spain and it clearly was never going anywhere due to the long distance issue and her young age, it was "real" for both of them. They met while she was in Spain in February and chatted on Facebook religiously until he came here on his exchange in April. They spent two fun filled weeks together in America and off he went...back to Spain. They continued the Facebook thing, but, really, that was not going to satisfy either one of them for long. They are young and that is just not what they needed or wanted in a relationship. Brooke's feelings for him started to fade. He continued to hang onto the hope that she would come to Barcelona to visit in the summer (I guess his parents nixed another trip to America for him), but that just wasn't going to happen. She is 16 and I don't know a thing about this boy or his family.


Anyway, when she told me she wanted to break up I felt strangely sad. This was her first "love" and it was over. I also felt sad for him. I hated the idea that he would be heartbroken...and by my daughter, no less.


And then started the mistakes -- mine. There were so many things I wanted to say. Don't hurt his feelings. There is no need to tell him the whole truth. Let him down easy. Make sure he knows that you really did care for him. Etc.

So I started saying them. Every time I thought of a little "pearl of wisdom," I shared. Every time she walked into a room I said, "Don't forget to..." Every time she got on the computer I said, "Are you chatting with Otmar? Please be kind." I was driving her crazy! And driving myself crazy as well. But these things I had to say...they were so important. I am trying to raise her to be compassionate and kind. If I don't teach her, who will?

She really started losing her patience. She said to me one day "Mom, I'm not a mean person."

And then it hit me. I had handled this all wrong. She wasn't even listening any more.

So, here is my advice (actually it was advice to me from my mom, but I am sharing): When you have some important life lesson for your teen (or even younger children) think about what you want to say, how you want to say it and when you want to say it (sometimes kids are more receptive to listening than others)...and say it...once...and let it go. Don't bring it up again. Hopefully the ground work has been laid and their moral compass already has them pointing in the right direction and all you need to do is fine tune.

I eventually wrote it all down on a piece of paper and gave it to her. I promised never to bring it up again. And I didn't.

She broke up with the boyfriend and, from what I am told, he understood and the decision was seemingly mutual. All is well that ends well.

Just hoping I can follow this advice and do better next time!

Was I mad at her...or at myself??

Either way, I was temporarily insane!

We had an exchange student from Barcelona, Spain stay with us for two weeks in April. Yes, April. April 2-16 to be exact. The end of tax season when everything is a crisis and has a deadline of yesterday. (I point this out in order to defend my insanity). Anyway, the day that Anna left we took some pictures. Some were timer shots of all six of us with Anna that were taken with Brooke's camera.

For two weeks I told Brooke to upload them to Facebook and share them with me and with Anna. These were the only pictures taken that had all of us. As usual, I got "I know, Mom." "I will, Mom." "I'll do it, Mom." -- all with attitude and sometime including eye rolling.

Fast forward to the Sunday before Brooke leaves for Disney World with her high school band. I said, "You need to upload those pictures BEFORE you leave for Disney." Her response was a predictable "I will, Mom."

So, Wednesday morning I drove her to the high school with her luggage at 6am. The buses were leaving at 11, but they needed to get their luggage to school early so that it could be checked. At about 7am it occured to me that I did not see those pictures post to my Facebook wall so I texted her to ask her if she had uploaded them. The answer was predictably "No."

I lost it. I texted her back that I would meet her in the parking lot when she was boarding the bus and that I would take her memory card and give her a blank one to bring to Disney. Well, this started World War III. She wanted no part of me coming up to the school and of being seen walking over to my car in front of her friends. The arguments started: I won't lose it, I'll be careful, I'll do it as soon as I get home, I will leave the card in my suitcase, Nothing will happen...

In reality, the chance of her camera getting lost or stolen or falling in the water and the pictures being lost forever was admittedly slim. But, dammit, I knew that if any of those things happened I was going to beat her senseless! And it was more than just the memory card. Wrapped up in this argument were all the things that had been annoying me about her...she didn't do what I asked, she didn't do what she said she would do, and, most importantly, she was so wrapped up in herself and what mattered to her that she did not understand that these pictures were important to more people than just her and she had a responsibility for safeguarding them.

In addition, I think I was completely annoyed with myself. The night before she asked me to take her to Target to get coloring books of all things, AND I DID IT!!!!! I didn't ask, "Did you do what I asked you to do?" Nope. I just took my 16 year old to buy Princess coloring books and a 64 pack of crayons (which she said she had NEVER had a 64 pack of crayons -- poor deprived child that she was). Because, like any mom, I want her to be happy and have her every hearts desire. GAG!!!!

But now! Now I was pissed! So, I drove up to the high school, parked in the parking lot with the coach buses, and sent her a text that said "Stop arguing with me. I am already here. Bring me the memory card!". I think I even said that I would follow the buses onto Route 287 before I would let her take that memory card to Florida. She finally surrendered and brought me the memory card. With a chill in the air, we swapped and she was on her way.

I texted a friend (also a parent of a teen girl) "The eagle has landed. I have the memory card. A small victory for our team!" And she responded, "Go team!!!".

It's these small battles in the world of parenting that seem so important at the time and are really so minor. But in reality, if we don't win the small ones, we don't have a prayer when it comes to the big ones.

Enabling

I've decided that I'm an enabler. I enable my kids to be less organized and less responsible than they should be and could be. I guess all moms do this to a certain extent because the idea of watching them fall on their face is difficult. And, let's face it, a major reflection on us.

Here are two examples, both from this morning.

At 6:30 this morning Brooke came into my room and told me that the 3rd payment for her Disney trip is due today. Seriously? She couldn't have mentioned this yesterday? Nope. So, instead of having her tell the band director that she forgot it and would bring it on Monday, I got out of bed and filled out the payment coupon and off she went.

Fast forward 35 minutes, Kevin has left for the bus and the phone rings. Surprise! It's Kevin. He left the school's flip video camera on the railing. Can I bring it to him at the bus stop! OK. Now I am in my bathrobe and slippers and it is snowing out. So, what do I do? I grab my jacket and keys and drive around the corner, in the snow, in my bathrobe and slippers to give him the camera. No motivation whatsoever for him to not make the same mistake again.

Or is there?

I'm thinking that there will be a list of chores for both of my forgetful friends when they get home from school. There has got to be a price to pay for them... and a reward for me.

Y-intercepts and slopes and graphs, oh my!

Yes, I am back on the topic of Algebra. This is going to be the year of Algebra. I just can't get away from it. Kind of like a recurring nightmare.

Last night, before the last of my party guests was even out the driveway, Brooke came into the living room and said "Can Caitlyn come over? We have an algebra assignment due tomorrow that we can't figure out and she thinks that if we work together we can get it." Well, as always, I was a good sport and agreed. So, in a blink of an eye, Caitlyn and her dad were at the door. I told her Dad that I would be happy to drive her home when they were done (I don't know what came over me!), but he said he had nothing better to do and would wait ("Would you like to help clean up my kitchen? I just had 36 people here for a party").

So, the girls settled in the living room to compare their work. And I sat down to try and help. I didn't even remember that y-intercepts and slopes existed and I definitely didn't remember that they could be graphed! But it is like riding a bike. Well, maybe not quite that easy, but I was able to help a little and an hour and a half later Caitlyn and her Dad (who had been watching the Giants-Cowboys game in my family room by himself while Eric put Daniel to bed -- he even let the dog out!) were on their merry way with the assigment done to everyone's satisfaction.

Gee, I hope we get a good grade!

Algebra update

I think I posted earlier this week that Brooke is having a tough time in Algebra so far this year. Well, strangely enough, I am thrilled to report that she currently has a 70.9 average!!! Woo hoo! This is a strange reaction for me to a C- average (she has never gotten a C on her report card and has 90+ averages in every other subject), but since this time last week she had a 69.4 average (a D) and had lost her text messaging priviliges I am thrilled at her progress. She had 3 quizzes this week -- she got 11 out of 12 on the first one, 13 out of 14 on the second one, and 1 out of 3 (OK, this is not so hot) on the third one. I am seeing some real effort on her part (still a little attitude), but some real sweat (and alot of eye rolling and exasperated sighs) went into those three grades this week. (Brooke especially loves when she sits down to do her homework and I say "Wait, let me just run and get my Algebra notebook")

Now, if we could only get this Algebra teacher to lay off the quizzes and let us just get this marking period behind us! She is hanging on to that C- by her finger nails! No such luck, though... another quiz on Monday... Stay tuned...